The Un-Secret

By now my secret plans are not top-secret. Who knows? Several friends, my sister, and, oh yeah, the Internet. And the insemination hasn't even occurred. If my ovulation is similar to last month, I'll have my date with the turkey baster in a few days. I don't like to think about otherwise.

With all of the recession news, I fret about being a single parent. On the other hand, I'm in the middle of my career and make enough money to support myself and a child. I'm salting away as much savings as possible and hoping for job security. Time seems like a bigger luxury than money.

I think about making baby clothes and painting a nursery. I imagine which children's books we will read together. I contemplate whether the child will have any resemblance to my family or if we will just wonder. These are happy dreams. They're still very fragile, but they are happy dreams.

Reality seeps in through more than just the recession. A dear friend would very much like to be my labor coach. She's hinted and a mutual friend has mentioned it as well. Having so much love and support from my friends and sister make this far less scary. It lets me dream a little. If my mother is amenable to being a labor coach, she's the person I'd really like to have with me. I've also read that doulas are wonderful. They have experience and they focus on the patient's needs. I like the idea of having a person like that to assist. Some might mention including all important people, but I'm not wild about having a crowd at delivery. 

In the meantime, the weather is unseasonably warm and sunny. I go for walks in the evening and plan a garden for this summer. 

Waiting

This is a time of waiting. I'm getting accustomed to waiting. Back in the fall, when I first decided to do this, I thought, "Okay! Let's get the turkey baster out get inseminated." That was before I learned about doctors, waiting lists, requirements and tests. Oh my. The tests. 

But turkey baster day is arriving soon. Possibly even this month. Last month I didn't ovulate until very late in the cycle, so I'm crossing my fingers that eggs will be released at the proper time and voice mails will go to the proper people. Really, I don't have nearly as much control over this as I would like. Older, wiser people tell me this is a mere teaser when it comes to having children. I will look back on these as the days when I had perfect control in my life. But I can still dream, and I am.

In the mean time, the weather has been springlike and beautiful. I walk in the evenings and soak up the sun. Seeing beyond the gloom of winter gives me hope and optimism. The anxieties over whether this is a good decision, whether my nest egg is big enough, my job secure enough, my family supportive enough just melted away. This is right.