On the Work Front

Things at work are roller coaster on the way up. The coworker who makes me feel uncomfortable has moved away from my area. Not sitting next to him is going to be such a huge improvement. It was just awkward and painful with him moping.

Another coworker wants to do something special for me. She wants to get some other people involved in it too. I'm tickled at how much people want to spoil this baby, and I'm delighted to let them.

Even with all of this support, I'm still feeling dissatisfied. This was my dream job, and I loved it for years. Now it really isn't a dream job, and the thrill is long gone. While other people would be preparing nurseries and nesting, I'm getting my interest inventories together and polishing my resume. If I still feel this way after I've been back from maternity leave for a few month, I'll be ready to move onto something else. I keep hoping that it is just hormones or just anxiety about the baby. I'm afraid that it really is about the work.

Wondering, Dreaming

The days feel autumnal. The sky took on the rich blue hue and the sun is yellower. It gets dark earlier, and I've had to dig out my sweater. The garden chores to get the garden ready for winter are beginning, and I really enjoy it.

I'm wondering what it will be like at this time next year. The baby will be seven months old. Will I have to sneak outside? Will the little one want to help? I feel as if I'm leaving all of this behind, and I don't have any regrets. In my experience, people who don't have any fears about the unknown are completely ignorant. I hope my education will be kind.

New Pants

New pants with a special elastic panel in the front are being shipped to my house at this very minute. It's getting chillier outside, and my waistband is getting tighter and tighter. At the beginning I thought I might avoid those silly looking pregnancy pants, but right now, I'm giddy about getting them.

The pregnancy bra arrived earlier and life is infinitely more comfortable. This has also put an end to trying to discretely rearrange my boobs and put them back into a bra from which they've escaped. I'm hopeful that the pants will reduce the high risk enterprise of not having my pants fastened and covering them with a long shirt.

Tis the sneason

I love that my employer offers a flu shot at work. All that is required is showing up. I also have a history of getting sick right around that time. Just as the scheduled flu shot approached, my throat felt sore, a river of snot poured from my nose, and the coughing and hacking began. People have asked whether it was H1N1. Honestly, I don't know. I called my doctor's office. The nurse said to treat it with comfort measures. That meant Benedryl, Chloraseptic spray, and Tylenol. Three days later, I felt pretty good and got a flu shot.

One of the things that surprised me was what a difference the Tylenol made. I felt better soon after taking it, and I could tell when it was wearing off. I guess that those small, lingering pains really added up. It even makes me question whether I'll treat a cold differently when I'm not pregnant. I hope the H1N1 shot will be available at work, and I'm taking extra care to eat well, exercise and take my vitamins. Maybe I'll miss out on the pre-requisite illness with this shot.

One benefit of being sick was the opportunity to read Anna Quindlen's book Rise and Shine. Quindlen certainly knows how to tell a story, and I enjoyed it a great deal.

Growing conditions

I'm expanding these days. Last night it became apparent that I need a new, larger bra. I've managed to ignore it this far, but the crowded conditions simply lead to too much grumpiness.

Adding to my misery, I ordered the largest size bra I can find. I'm terrified that the girls will continue to expand. What does one do when there are no more bras? I like to maintain some sense of control.

Thankfully, the maternity pants can wait a little longer and they come several sizes larger than I do. Whew!

Oh the emotions!

I suspect the hormones have a part in this and so does excitement. I am feeling quite emotional. For the sake of coworkers and friends, keeping it under wraps is important. I'm not prone to tears of joy and actually thought they were a myth. Here are the things that have made me cry tears of joy this week:

* My father offered to paint interior rooms for me and tried to sell me on what a wonderful job he'd do. It was an easy sell. He's the best painter I know. Plus those rooms need paint.

* The kitty came to snuggle with me last night. She nestled her head in my hand and purred.

* A coworker left pink-suede, moccasin booties in my locker.

The love is overwhelming and wonderful.

The other emotions are just inconvenient. The coworker who offered to put his name on the birth certificate and pay child support has not mentioned it again. He's trying to put things back to normal. I'm just feeling uneasy and awkward about the whole thing and wish he would vanish for the next six months. I literally feel queasy when I see him now.

Drama at work sucks me in faster now, and I'm feeling overwhelmed by daily chores.

But since it is such a roller coaster, having coffee with a friend and cutting a bouquet of zinnias from the garden made me happy again.

Wild Nights

Last night it rained and thundered starting at 2 am and didn't stop until early afternoon. A thunderstorm is a lovely thing. It is exciting and dramatic.

However, my dog seems to believe his life is in jeopardy when he sees the first flicker of lightening or hears a rumble of thunder. Some people have suggested locking him out of the bedroom, crating him or sending him outside. When he's super anxious like that, he will scratch up the door, escape the crate or eat the screen door off.

Since he's such a mild-mannered, delightful fellow the rest of the time, I coddle him. We go downstairs and watch a movie. That seems to drown out the flashes of lightening and muffle the thunder. Usually he will sleep as long a something is on the TV. It isn't restful at all, but it is better than no sleep. My sister laughs about this. She says it is great preparation for having a child.

This morning I dragged through getting ready for work and then got sick. I feel guilty for not going to work anyway, but after the storms subsided this afternoon, I slept a deep and dreamless sleep. It was wonderful.

Weekend Rumaging

The nesting phase has clearly kicked into gear. This weekend, I've cleaned out two closets. That might not sound like much, but I've been able to ignore sorting through those closets for years. It's like emotional time travel.

Oh the pictures:

Picture of me with my mom, sisters, and grandma when everyone lived in the same state and everyone was up to hiking around and taking adventurous day trips. Pictures of the wedding to the ex. Pictures of beloved cats and dogs, now long gone. Pictures of friends from summer camp. Pictures of friends from high school and college. Pictures of friends babies. There is so much hope in those pictures. Looking back from the future, I can say that nothing has turned out as planned, but everything has turned out just fine. Things are going well, but it did leave a sore spot near my heart for those who aren't here anymore. Sometimes I wish I could bundle everyone up and keep them forever.

And the future will see the "office" converted into a nursery. That will be exciting too. I've been shopping for cribs.