Birth Plans

Today, I finished the birth plan. The computer-generated plans on the internet are very helpful because they break down the major categories and touch on the bigger subjects.

Eating during labor? Yes, please!
Baby in room? Of course!
Episiotomy? Ow! Better be a really good reason.

Next came the endless tweaking of language. The doula wants me to be more "assertive" although her brand of assertive sounded pretty aggressive. I've got a good doctor, and his opinion and advice are important to me. I'd hate to see a birth plan stifle it. Mom (my labor coach) and I went through the items and changed all of the "I would likes" to "I prefer" or "I want." We'll review it with the doctor at my next appointment on Wednesday. Mom gets to meet the doctor for the first time too.

The Braxton-Hicks contractions made themselves known for the first time today. I'm nearly to 35 weeks, and I'm so eager to meet this baby. It makes it hard to focus on other details in life.

My next detail? Mom needs medical power of attorney and a living will. I hope we won't need them, but I want her to have what she will need if things don't go as planned.

Next Month!

The official due date is next month. I'm anxious to meet the baby, and at the same time, I'm ready for her to arrive yet. It's week 34, so if she can wait at least three more weeks, it would be good. Also the hormones remain at high levels. I find myself getting misty-eyed over how generous others are.

Arrangements at home coming together. I've delved into the closet in the baby's room. It is horrifying to see how much has accumulated in that closet over the last five years. My ex-husband has been very sweet about helping me clean it out. We gathered all of those things when we were together. It is easier to make decisions about where the debris should go with him. Just when I think I'm over the divorce, I get another wave of forgiveness and gratitude that we can be friends and that we aren't married any more. He seems to feel the same way. No one ever told me that love can change into a wonderful friendship.

Baby gifts keep arriving. At least once a week, I open my locker at work and find a package of baby goodies. I don't want to ruin my professional demeanor, but everyone loves to look at the baby clothes and coo along with me. The professional behavior might take time to reconstruct.

2010 has all the indications of a very exciting year.

The Holiday Season

This holiday season is different than usual. For the first time in years, I feel like decorating, listening to Christmas carols, and celebrating. Maybe it is the baby?

At the same time, an old friend came to visit from out of town and wanted to visit to "touch my belly." I wanted to scream and run away. Belly touching has been on a case-by-case basis. If I get a good vibe, it is okay. This is the second good friend who hasn't had a good vibe. I wouldn't have guessed this would be my reaction, and it puzzles me.

Baby arrival time is getting close, and I'm eager to meet the little one. I'm also eager to be able to put on my shoes without it turning into an event.

So here's to the holiday season and family and friends. Next year there will be a little one to help celebrate.

The Registry

With the third trimester rapidly approaching, my fears that there will be no baby have evaporated. They are being replaced with the sense that I've just wasted seven months of preparation time. Even the animals at my house seem to know something is arriving. They jockey for a position on my lap that allows them to put their front paws around my belly and rest their chins on the big lump.

Staying home yesterday would have been so pleasant especially with the furry creatures who want to snuggle. Instead, I went to Target to register for baby things. The staff was friendly and helpful. The inventory was completely overwhelming. I was completely unprepared for the volume of things.

The babies I recall baby sitting for had a few toys, diapers, food, and a crib. I registered for a baby swing and a baby bouncer. A small portable crib got on the list. A mother walked by with a screaming toddler who threw himself on the floor and couldn't be persuaded to walk away. I started to feel anxious about the whole parenting enterprise.

The baby bottles were next. I plan to breastfeed, but baby sitters will need bottles. I was getting a little dizzy and wanted to sit on the floor with my head between my knees. Another mother with a wailing child walked by in the cart. With the registry only partially completed, I went home exhausted. The nice folks at Target say I can finish later in the store or online.

Naptime

Sleeping is the most attractive thing these days -- aside from food. I awakened at 4:30 this morning because my stomach was growling and wouldn't be ignored. After a cup of yogurt, I got a few more hours sleep. Later this afternoon, I had a double helping of nap.

So much slumber is not good for accomplishing tasks. As the six-month mark approaches, I feel the need to check items off of the to-do list more quickly. (The list continues to grow as well.) Some home redecorating is scheduled for completion in late November, and the next item is the nursery. Baby might not have a freshly painted room. I may just settle for moving the desks and computer out of the room. (See sleeping above.) The painting could come later.

As for now, I think it is high time I went back to bed.

Mental Health

Last week I got quite concerned about the emotional ups and downs I'm experiencing. People at work are irritating me, and that was unusual. I like my job and I'm count myself luck to be employed. Fortunately good manners covers most things. I didn't even have unexpected tears.

My wonderful therapist, the one who coached me back to life after a divorce, managed to work me in for an appointment. We talked, and I told her I didn't quite know what was wrong. I just felt like a teenager with wild emotions and the idea that other people just don't get it.

She laughed and made her diagnosis: "You're pregnant." She also said I was welcome to come back for therapy if I needed help handling the ups and downs. Somehow, hearing that I wasn't crazy makes it much easier.

On the Work Front

Things at work are roller coaster on the way up. The coworker who makes me feel uncomfortable has moved away from my area. Not sitting next to him is going to be such a huge improvement. It was just awkward and painful with him moping.

Another coworker wants to do something special for me. She wants to get some other people involved in it too. I'm tickled at how much people want to spoil this baby, and I'm delighted to let them.

Even with all of this support, I'm still feeling dissatisfied. This was my dream job, and I loved it for years. Now it really isn't a dream job, and the thrill is long gone. While other people would be preparing nurseries and nesting, I'm getting my interest inventories together and polishing my resume. If I still feel this way after I've been back from maternity leave for a few month, I'll be ready to move onto something else. I keep hoping that it is just hormones or just anxiety about the baby. I'm afraid that it really is about the work.